The Skeleton In The Family Closet Meets The Elephant in the Room - What this Site is About

The Skeleton In The Family Closet Meets The Elephant in the Room -
What this Site is About

 

 

This is a blog site dedicated & devoted to my recovery. I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. And while some people think you can just "get over it" & not carry or exhibit any symptoms into adulthood with you, I hope my site (in progress) helps to educate them as to what it really does to a "survivor".

My abuse started when I was 11 and continued for 3 years. The monster who sexual, physically, psychologically & emotionally abused me was a family member. It wasn’t until I was in my early 30s that I even realized that all the things I thought was wrong with me are really symptoms of the abuse. And that, even though I was able to put it on the "back burner" of my subconscious for many years, I never forgot, or forgave, or dealt with it. But I did grieve over it, have recurring nightmares over it & every so often, think about it..

And then, suddenly, in my early 30s, I started thinking about it more & more, until eventually it was in my thoughts every day, all day. I had urges to finally the secret I’d been keeping & hopefully receive some understanding.

But, after telling my mother about 5 years ago & getting a shockingly "coldhearted" response, I found out by accident that she did something one day over 30 years ago that brought everything FLOODING to the surface & I could no longer ignore the abuse. I had to start trying to heal & face it. I also had to cut my mother out of my life because of what I found out. It may have happened 30 years ago, but to me it was all fresh.. I’ve had many, many years to deal with my abuser himself so thinking & talking about it was like ordering lunch. I had never placed any blame on my mother, my non-protector, for my abusers actions. If anything, I blamed her for not being the kind of mother I could go to protect me & help me & for being the type of person to stick her head in the sand & ignore what was right in front of her face. But if she ignored it she wouldn’t have to deal with it. . But I never placed any blame on her. That is, until I found out a few years back that her actions one day when I was 14 now make me feel like she might as well have held me down while ‘he" molested me.

Recovery from this type of abuse is a very long & hard process. And since I cannot afford therapy and group meetings are at least an hour away & am forced to "self-help" myself with my recovery with the help of ASCA (Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse), their website & their free manual/workbook for survivors. The recovery process through this manual takes you through 21 steps, much like AA’s 12 step program. It’s divided into three sections" Remembering, Grieving & Healing. Each section takes anywhere from one to three YEARS to complete & assigns many "assignments" & projects, etc.

That is what this site is about. I will be posting my assignments, journal entries, thoughts, stories, memories, etc., here over the next several years. It’s not only for me to use as a recovery tool, but to also guage my progress & recovery, to educate others in the effects of childhood abuse on adults & to help other survivors, adults & children, realize they are not alone or to blame . You can follow me in my journey to heal by visiting this website. I should warn you, I will be brutally honest & even graphic with whatever I post here. I have to be in order to heal. You might feel pity for me, think I’m utterly insane, see me as a terrified child, & brave fighter, a self-destructive mess or a slew of other labels. You will see all kinds of emotions & feelings from me as I face the memories & feelings , fears & frustrations, anger & questions. In a nutshell this is my blog site & my recovery. If you are offended by anything here then simply leave & no need to return again. But I will not have comments, suggestions, feedback, etc. as that is not what this website is about. I, & only I, am free to post here & decide what gets put here. This is MY recovery.

My name isn’t Veronica. But that’s the name I will go by on this blog site.

I am taking the skeleton out of the closet & introducing it the the elephant in the room. Let’s see how this plays out.

Veronica Essiker

August 27, 2012